Hello readers!
Last week, I shared the first informational post on my writing journey, revealing a lot about me, who I am, and how my personality influences my writing. This week, I'm so excited to dive in and share with you how I got here.
Where is here, exactly? Here is where I've found my place, grown into my true self, and come to a stage in my life where passion can take the lead. Do these themes sound familiar? This ideology is the foundation I used to craft the world that Iris, the main character of my debut novel, lives in. Write what you know!
On the precipice of adulthood, I felt empowered by the possibilities of what could be. Theoretically, I was capable of doing anything I could put my mind to. And I knew I wanted to be a writer. That had never changed, not since the first moment books and the written word stole my heart.
Unfortunately, self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and lack of confidence grabbed on tight. My insecurities asphyxiated me and pulled me under. My struggles were further exacerbated by severe mental health challenges. My self-esteem plummeted. My identity, for a number of years, was lost. My entire life was ahead of me, and I couldn't grasp hold of it. I didn't know who I was or what I stood for.
Life has a way of sweeping you away, and I was drowning in the waves.
And yet, the ideas were always there, brewing in the back of my brain. Sometimes, a pocket of time would perfectly align with a moment of huge inspiration, and I would write. Incomplete passages, ideas that were in jumbled in chaos. It didn't matter the state of them - I would write them down, and that alone would fill me with joy. I carried a notebook with me so I could write things down no matter where I was. I would talk to my phone, dictating a note or reminder that I could develop later. When I would go on walks, the ideas would come rushing to my mind.
Then the moment hit: when I caught a break in the current and came up for air. On the horizon, I could see it. The potential was there, the desire was there. But did I have what it takes? There was fire in my soul, passion in my heart.
For too long I had denied myself of my own authenticity. The biggest obstacle standing between me and my dream of becoming a writer was: me.
I didn't believe in myself. That may sound deeply clichéd (and it probably is), but it's the truth.
There's no way I could make these ideas into a coherent paragraph, let alone an entire novel! I don't have the time to dedicate to writing a book. What's the point, anyway? No one will read it. The doubts were mounting. The excuses were many. But there are countless independent authors out there, publishing countless books. They are all making their dreams a reality. If other people could do it, why couldn't I?
This was a pivotal moment for me. What made me so different? What made it so I wasn't able to do it? Nothing. I wasn't an exception - dare I say that there was a chance I could be exceptional? I didn't think I could do it, even though I wanted with everything in me to. It was in this moment I realized that becoming a writer wasn't a choice for me, not really. It's who I am, who I was always meant to be.
There's no way I could make these ideas into a coherent paragraph, let alone an entire novel! Books aren't written overnight. Ideas are the first step of many. I will delve more into this in a future post. There's a lot to say on this topic.
I don't have the time to dedicate to writing a book. Time. Our most limited, precious commodity. Writing a book does take time. Lots of it. But life is all about priorities, and writing has quickly become one of my top ones. Because I love it! Of course, it's not as clear-cut as this. Again, another topic I will explore more in depth in the future.
What's the point, anyway? No one will read it. I will. And I did. I read it, dozens of times. And the amount of fulfillment, the feeling of joy that overtook my soul when I did, made every single second of doubt vanish like a ghost.
There's something big to be said about fear. When you hold something so close for so long, you begin to internalize it. It becomes part of you. Putting my writing out into the world means being extremely vulnerable. It means opening myself up for failure. And, when you're as passionate about something as I am about writing, the possibility of failure is terrifying.
But.
What of the possibility of success? That might be even more terrifying.
A lot of pieces had to fall into place for me to seriously pursue writing. By no means has it been smooth sailing! The challenges are endless. Scheduling, marketing, editing... being an author is a lot more multi-faceted than I ever could've fathomed. I've learned so much, and I'm learning more, still, every day.
The rewards I've reaped since launching my career have been immeasurable. Sharing my passion for words, for stories, for even the most taboo of sensual desires... it's been a form of euphoria all its own.
So, here I am: Ellie Katz, novelist. I write smut... for my pleasure just as much as for yours.
Can't wait to delve in more deeply with you soon. Until then, happy reading!
xxx Ellie
PS: Let nothing get in the way of what sets your soul on fire. Least of all yourself.